Man, can I write a peppy title or what? Next week’s breaking news:
Man breathes in and out — film at 11!
Now back to the subject of this post — what this self-absorbed woman said at the Weight Watchers meeting I recently attended. I’ll write about the weight loss thing* at some point, I suppose, but right now I just want to direct your attention to a short post I wrote for Funny not Slutty.
It’s about this woman whose every utterance makes me want to rip my own ears off with my teeth. That ever happen to you? You’re set on edge by someone, but when you glance around in a conspiratorial
Whywhywhy does she keep talking and where can we get a good Cone of Silence?
manner, everyone around you looks as serene as the Dalai Lama. That’s me around this woman. Do me a favor and read the post (with free bonus cartoon!) and let me know if I’m over-reacting.**
*Oh and yeah, I’m trying for my third Lifetime over at the enchanted land of the double W. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, then lucky for you. If you do, here’s a “Bravo” sticker.
**I know I’m over-reacting, but she’s annoying as hell and I’m hungry.
Hey, Masters of the Universe. Wassup brain surgeons, Silicon Valley millionaires and CEO’s featured in those little blurbs in my alumni bulletin? I don’t want to brag, but brag I must.
I just finished making a stunt pickle for the community theater I work with. (All producers interested in optioning my life story can comment below and I’ll get back to you as soon as my schedule allows.)
I got to direct the last show and Phin was the lead; this time around, I’m helping with props and he has arguably the least funny part in The Odd Couple — Roy, the accountant.
It’s really nice for us to pitch in without having to be responsible for more than making fake kosher dills and memorizing a small part. (Yeah, I know; no small parts. But last show Phin had to be knocked down, slapped and emotionally flayed. This time, he deals cards and eats a stale potato chip. So small-er, certainly.)
This show Phin gets to stay on his feet, while my daredevil gherkin is smacked halfway across the stage. Sorry about the bragging, but stunt pickles are blurb-worthy. Right?
Goddamn english major. I really ought to consider some vocational training.
All right, I’m lying about the 3D. But that’s how excited I am to read Parenting: Illustrated with Crappy Pictures, Amber Dusick’s book. Instead of having electronic book molecules fly through space (whatever) and into my Kindle, I bought an actual olden days hardcover book, which I keep caressing in a lustful manner. It has color pictures… and a shiny hard cover. (Take that, Kindle.)** With paper pages you can spindle and mutilate, not that I would do that to my new non-virtual book.
Right now I am on Chapter five, and thus far, it’s great. Hysterical. When I finish it, I’ll put up a 5 star review, unless things go to hell and they all convert to Scientology and/or Amber stops being funny. I’d put money on the five stars, if you can find a betting line that covers mom bloggers. Cayman Islands, you listening?+++
21st Century Kid:
What is this hard cover book of which you speak? Is it something from Microsoft?
**Note to my Kindle: I didn’t mean it. I was just making a cheap joke at your expense. I love you, I can’t live without you and please don’t die like all my old Kindles. I treat you well and thus far haven’t dropped you on concrete or taken you into the sauna, right? Ah ha ha ha ha. Nervous laugh, why? What are you thinking right now? Is everything all right?
+++ Edited to add: I finished the book. I definitely recommend it. It got a little bit sentimental towards the end, but I have a low threshold. Still 5 stars. The illustrations slay me — how she can convey so much humor and expression with such seemingly simple, childlike strokes is astounding. It’s wizardry to me.